My Childhood. How I reached to this moment? BDSM?

Leave a comment

February 20, 2015 by jayce428

There have been many fictional stories about abusive childhoods leading to someone getting into BDSM. There is a huge fallacy known as the ‘slippery slope’, where someone that has suggested that you’d have to be pretty damaged (mentally) in order to get into BDSM, which is completely false.

My sexual maturity was at the age of nine which insistently was exactly ten years ago, and I was a rather normal child – my parents would by a inflatable that would last exactly one summer every year, and I really couldn’t be happier. It was also at this age where I learned about sex in school, and was frustrated when I found out I was appalled at the idea of ‘conventional’ sex – this lead to my discovery later about transsexualism and being gay.

Obviously, I found out about homosexual sex before even realizing that I was trans. I went online like any ‘normal’ child and looked up porn mostly being gay porn. I saw nothing wrong with it and realized it was pretty normal. It was later that something in my computer broke that my relatives learned about my ‘problem’, and my aunt proceeded to tell me to ‘stop it’ behind my parents back – I didn’t stop and told my parents later on.

I later learned that at the age of sixteen she was into drugs and alcohol, and that’s how my cousin was conceived and never graduated from high school.

I wasn’t interested in dating in high school since I was more focused on my grades, which always stayed pretty average. I will admit that I have always struggled my way around sex – on the one hand I understand it’s 100% normal, but the illogical side of me says it’s deviant.

Besides that my parents life was pretty normal, and they argued but all humans do that especially if they have the added stress of raising a child. I didn’t help very much since I did have my moments of tantrums, but I haven’t had a tantrum since I was nine. As an adult we just call that ‘flipping out’ right? 🙂

When I was sixteen my grandmother died, and I only got to see her once but I didn’t cry – it was only later that it really hit me that I cried. My father and I really got along the most, I’ve always had some troubles connecting with her on an intellectual level. My dad just says: “that’s how she grew up” and we leave it at that. My father grew up Christian but after he got out of the army never really cared about religion so much, so I was a religious-free child but my Grandparents tried to change that by taking me to Church once in a while. He told me about his time in Germany and how he saw the Berlin wall before it fell.

Since then I’ve learned about BDSM, don’t remember exactly when I did but it’s really clicked with me, and it’s always came so naturally for me. There was no trying to pretend things were conventional like everyone else around me, and I can be so happy when I’m in any space be it puppy space or middle space. I’ve accepted who I am and it’s almost a relief that I’ve found so many people like me.

I don’t think that I will ever at all be religious like my grandmother wanted, but I’ll be happy and that’s the most important thing at the moment. I want to hold on to the feeling of being accepted and embracing that feeling for as long as I can.

I couldn’t be happier then being an advocate for the BDSM community. I would love to run this blog for the rest of my life if I can.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: